Shut Up, Keanu
by Steve Phillips
Summary: A Cerberus strike team goes on a mission, accompanied by Kai Leng. The team runs into Jack and it's party time from there.


The cramped stealth shuttle carrying a Cerberus strike team flew in low over the Citadel. It was about 3 o'clock in the morning, local time. The pilot looked over his shoulder and said, "We'll be over the drop site in five minutes."

"Roger that." Cerberus Sergeant Sheila Hernandez had flown on many missions, but this was the first time that her team had flown with a legend. Kai Leng himself was on the shuttle. When her team heard that he'd be joined them, they were excited. They were even in awe when they first saw him. She glanced over at Leng now, and really wasn't sure what to make of him. Officially, she was in charge of the mission, but she was told to defer to Leng whenever the situation called for it. The assassin had barely spoken a word since he boarded.

Kai Leng had long dark hair that hung loosely about his face, and had a ponytail in the back. Sheila wondered if his eyes were cybernetic implants, or if he was wearing some type of face-hugging tactical goggles. Either way, their sensors looked like narrow glowing slits that swept upward in opposite directions. How the heck did he see through those things? Leng chewed gum while casually tapping his foot.

 _Weird. We're minutes away from a drop, and Kai Leng looks distant and bored. What's the deal? Does he think this mission's beneath him? He reminds me of Keanu Reeves, but not Keanu Reeves playing badass John Wick. He's more like Keanu Reeves playing surfer FBI agent Johnny Utah. Or, with that hair, he looks sorta like when Keanu played that teenager Ted Theodore Logan, except that he's in combat armor. He's so quiet, it's like he's part of the furniture._

Sheila spoke up. "All right team, check your gear one last time. We'll hit the landing site just like we said. Mr. Leng, do you have any last orders before we drop?"

The assassin looked toward the sergeant and stopped chewing. "No," he huffed. "If I did, I would've told you."

Sheila's brow furrowed at the insult. _Legend or not, Kai Leng is apparently a jerk._ She stood up and looked around the cabin at the rest of her team. "All right guys, we're going to hit the secure wing at the Alliance's Military Medical Center. Our targets are on the 33rd floor, and they're John Doe and Jane Doe patients who were captured or defected from _Ares_ Station. Some of you knew _Ares_ as "the Barn." Your primary target is Inali Renata, and she's a traitor. You've all seen her picture. Kill her with extreme prejudice. While the shuttle circles the hospital, we'll drop in, kill any guards we see, set up a perimeter, and let Mr. Leng do what he does best. There shouldn't be that many guards. It's not a soft target, but it's a hospital, not a fort. Once we're done, we evacuate. Any questions?"

No one had any. There was a time when Sheila and half the team would've questioned or refused an order to attack a hospital, whether it sheltered traitors or not. But now humanity was at war, Cerberus wanted these people dead, and that was enough. She had complete faith in Cerberus and the Illusive Man. Sheila nodded to her team. "All right then. We're at two minutes away. Get into –"

Kai Leng interrupted her. "You useless apes just make sure you stay the hell out of my way."

The hair on the back of Sheila's neck stood up. _Oh, screw you and your ponytail._ "My people are here to do a job, Mr. Leng," snapped the sergeant. "And we will do it." She checked her timepiece. "We're at one minute forty five seconds. Get into ready positions."

"Everybody sit the hell down. You got a problem with the way I talk, Sergeant?"

Sheila slowly turned to see Kai fucking Leng, his implants and his damn ponytail only inches away from her face. His breath stank despite the chewing gum. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the pilot glancing nervously over his shoulder.

The pilot's voice shook with tension. "Uh, guys? I've got the target in sight."

"Then circle around, you dummy," barked Leng. "The lovely sergeant and I have something to sort out." He locked eyes with Sheila. Which was pretty surreal, seeing as Leng didn't seem to have any. "You're lucky I don't cut you in half and feed you to your team." Leng's hand, they all noticed, rested on the hilt of his sword.

Members of the team glanced at each other. Was this really happening? Now? When they were only seconds away from a drop? Sheila's respect for the assassin was long gone, but she held her tongue. She had a mission. Not only that, but she sensed that Leng was actually stubborn enough to start a fight.

"Begging your pardon, Mr. Leng. I meant no disrespect. We've got a mission to accomplish." Leng smiled and it made Sheila's skin crawl.

The pilot spoke up again. "Are we ready?"

Leng's eyes remained locked on the sergeant. "Bring us in, pilot. We've got no problem here."

Sheila said, "All right, you heard the man. Let's go." _And the sooner my team and I get away from this asshole, the better._

The shuttle swooped in toward the rooftop and opened its side hatch. The strike team leaped out and their eezo brakes slowed their descent, allowing them to open fire and shooting every security camera on the rooftop. They also destroyed the hospital's main communications antenna. Within moments the soldiers blew open two roof access doors and sprinted inside.

The alarms hadn't even sounded yet. The team was one floor away from its target when a stunned doctor saw them, gasped and toggled his com. "Security! Intruders on level 34 -" The doctor had just turned to run when the team opened fire and killed him, his body riddled with bullets. A few seconds later, alarms began to sound all over the hospital. These were followed by the sound of large metal doors slamming shut and heavy clicks from magnetic locks engaging. A woman's voice spoke over loudspeakers: "Intruder alert. Shots fired. Lockdown procedures initiated in secure wing."

Sheila looked at one of her team members and ordered, "Use cutting beams on the floor. The area with the John Doe and Jane Doe patients ought to be right below us."

"Way to go keeping a low profile, sergeant," taunted Leng. Sheila had just spent the whole shuttle flight wondering if Kai Leng even knew how to talk. Now she just wished he'd shut up.

After several seconds, a circular hole several feet across had been cut through the floor. As part of the floor gave way and fell into the secure wing below, two members of the team stayed behind to provide cover fire and guard the team's escape route. Kai Leng, Sheila and the rest jumped down to the 33rd floor.

That part of the secure wing was nearly empty at that time of night. In fact, there were only five Alliance soldiers guarding that area, and all of them were inexperienced and green. They were no match for Leng and the Cerberus strike team. Two of them were shot dead, and Leng killed the other three with his sword. He slashed one across the chest, beheaded another, and stabbed the third in the heart. Blast doors had closed at the main access corridors, and all of the doors to the patient rooms had slammed shut and locked when the alarms were sounded. Besides the patients, the handful of doctors and nurses on duty had sheltered inside several of the patient rooms.

Sheila gestured to the team. "Guard every access point on this floor. We'll keep two guys guarding our escape route. Any signs of trouble, report to me. Leng, the show's all yours."

"It's about time. Where's Inali Renata?"

One of the soldiers hacked into the secure wing's main computer. "Room 3316. She's in room 3316." The soldier scanned several security camera monitors placed throughout the hospital. "I've got maybe a dozen Alliance soldiers running toward this floor like a bat out of hell. We don't have much time."

Sheila nodded. "Keep those blast doors shut. They'll have to break through their own defenses to get in here. We'll kill our targets and be long gone by the time they get in." She stood alongside one of the other soldiers who guarded the main corridor. From room 3316, women's voices could clearly be heard.

"Get the damn door open, Inali! Can't you hear the gunfire? They're right outside!"

"I've almost got it, Jack. Almost."

Leng's grin was chilling, almost maniacal as he walked toward the door. "Nowhere to run, ladies." He twirled his sword with a showman's flair. The red status light alongside the door to Inali's room read "LOCKED," then flickered to green and changed to "OPEN." A heavy click announced that the room's lock had disengaged. The door, however, only opened a crack.

Leng gestured to the nearest soldier. "Open it."

The soldier had pulled the door only three inches open when a blast of blue biotic energy leaped through the space. The screaming soldier flew backward across the hallway and his body struck the opposite wall like a bug on a windshield. He hit so hard that it caved in the wall at the point of impact.

Kai Leng and every member of the Cerberus strike team standing anywhere near room 3316 had turned their stunned eyes toward that soldier who flew away from the door. Only Sheila saw the woman who emerged from that room, and that woman most definitely was not Inali Renata. It must have been 'Jack,' whoever that was. She moved slowly and menacingly, wore a plain white tank top, had black hair that was shaven on the sides of her head, and biotic energy swirled around her tattoo-covered arms. What frightened Sheila was the sharp penetrating look in Jack's eyes, and that she apparently had absolutely no fear of walking toward a Cerberus strike team. Which also meant she might be insane, on top of everything.

Jack growled, "Party time, bitches."

Sheila fired at Jack as fast as she could, but Leng only had time to wheel around and see Jack's snarling face as she unleashed another blast of biotic energy. The assassin screamed as he went hurtling through the air and crashed into the soldier who had been occupying the secure wing's control console.

Jack glanced back toward Inali's room and spoke to an unseen person inside. "Close the door, Inali. I've got this."

Sheila and three other soldiers fired at Jack, but their rounds deflected off her invisible biotic shield and sent ricochets all over the room. Some of her team was struck by random ricochets that stunned the soldiers and made their kinetic shields crackle against the impacts. Jack ignored the assault and blasted the two nearest soldiers, whose lifeless bodies fell to the ground like rag dolls. Sheila switched her rifle to full automatic and her barrage was enough to make Jack flinch for only a moment. Jack turned her eyes toward Sheila, and those eyes burned with an inhuman rage.

 _Ohhhh, SHIT!_

Sheila started to sprint for cover when she felt biotic energy lift her into the air and throw her. She hurtled through the ceiling tiles, must have tumbled through two dozen supporting struts and crashed back down to the floor. Dazed, she heard chaotic floods of gunfire, booming sounds of biotic attacks, and screams that were suddenly, terrifyingly silenced. As her head cleared, she grabbed her rifle and looked for a target. Her jaw dropped in shock as she scanned the room.

The central area of the 33rd floor had been wrecked in a minute. Bodies of soldiers – her team – lay scattered across the floor, against walls, and draped across desks and tables. Except for her and Kai Leng, everyone else on her team who'd entered the 33rd floor appeared dead. In the center, she saw Jack and Leng circling each other like predators. Jack hadn't been grazed by a single rifle round. Not even one. Leng had his sword drawn and leaped away from Jack attacks with dizzying speed, spinning away from one attack, ducking away from another and leaping away from a third. He finished in a combat ready stance and charged her, shouting and swinging his sword again and again. His sword seemed to bounce off Jack's biotic shield and sparks flew with each impact.

Jack said "It's that all you've got?" and retaliated. Her biotic blasts began to wear Leng down and he stumbled backward. Leng threw biotic attacks of his own, but they were as futile as the light slaps of a toddler being held at arm's length by a grownup.

Sheila finally had a clear shot and opened fire. She fired long enough for an overheat warning to flash on her rifle, and it still didn't help. _Dammit!_ _This is a lost freaking cause._ She toggled her com and prayed that Jack's next attack wouldn't kill her. "This is Sheila. Mission abort. I say again, mission abort. Authorize abort code Hotel Echo Uniform Victor. To the guys guarding our escape route, get the hell down here and help extract us." She kept shooting anyway, hoping to buy Leng time. "Leng, fall back. I'll cover you!"

Leng shouted "Coward!" and ducked behind cover. "No. I'm not going anywhere. I'm killing this bitch! And her friend!" He toggled his own com: "Team, belay that order. Get down here and help us finish this mission."

Was Leng out of his testosterone-fueled mind? Sheila incredulously toggled her com again. "Disregard that. I'm in command and I will repeat my order. Prepare to extract us and abort this mission. Now!"

Jack started laughing, which made the moment feel even more insane. "Aw, come on kids, don't go. Stay a while. Come out and play."

Leng's voice was low, agitated. He stepped out from behind his cover and twirled his sword again. "Oh, I'll play. Hell yes, I will freaking play."

Sheila's eyes widened and she was transfixed by the scene. Leng couldn't be that stupid. He just couldn't. Jack smiled as they circled each other again. "Atta boy," she teased. "Haven't I kicked your ass before?"

Leng's edgy posture looked like that of a drunk at a bar fight who didn't realize he'd already lost. "I'm going to carve you like a rotting fruit. I'll let you live long enough to hear me carve up Inali."

Jack's smile disappeared. "No. You. Won't."

Sheila raised her rifle to fire, but Jack raised one arm and Sheila felt an invisible fist reach around her throat and lift her into the air. She struggled, kicking her legs and dropping her rifle. Kai Leng leaped into the air and swung his sword, but Jack raised her arm and Leng's sword stopped in mid-swing. Leng dropped his sword and grabbed his own throat, flailing and grasping at air.

Jack's stare bore through each of them. She shook her head slowly, condescendingly, and with fake pity. "You guys know what? I've had enough fun. I think you're boring, and this party's over." Jack threw her hands upward and both Sheila and the legendary Kai Leng flew through the 33rd floor ceiling and landed in a 34th floor corridor amid a pile of debris. Only their kinetic shields saved their lives.

Sheila saw stars as she struggled to her feet and grabbed Leng's shoulder. "Come on. We're out of here."

Leng lay face down as blood trickled from his chin. "She's got my sword."

Sheila pulled him up. "You'll get another freaking sword." Looking up, she saw the two remaining Cerberus team members who guarded their escape route running to help. She gestured toward Leng. "He's hurt. Help me get him on the shuttle."

As the group reached the roof, Leng saw the waiting stealth shuttle and dazedly began to pull away. "No…going back for my sword…that bitch…."

Sheila said, "Oh, for fucks sake. Hold this guy down." The two other soldiers restrained Leng as Sheila grabbed a syringe from a medical kit.

Leng flailed. "You're not sticking me with that thing."

Sheila pushed down the plunger on the syringe and Leng's body started to go limp almost immediately. "Get him aboard. Let's get the hell out of dodge while we still can."

As the shuttle cloaked and flew away from the hospital, the legendary Kai Leng's consciousness faded. He mumbled at Sheila and pulled clumsily at her leg. "Bunch of useless apes…stay out of my way…."

Sheila kicked his hand away. "Shut up, Keanu."


End file.
